The Quest for the Missing Pin Up
by AutobotV
Summary: Someone has stolen Soundwave's prized pin up of Jazz and the Autobot's plan to exploit Jazz to get more partying money. Megatron has to find the pin up otherwise he may never be able to redecorate! Warning...you will die laughing!
1. Chapter 1

**The Quest for the Missing Pin Up**

It was a normal day on Earth...well normal enough since there was also two groups of giant alien robots living there who were fighting each other as well...it's 1984 what do you expect? Anyway in a gigantic spaceship under the pacific ocean the Decepticons, who were a bunch of evil power hungry monsters who wanted to do nothing more than take over the universe. They were so evil it made the humans wet their pants just thinking about them. They were so cruel it made the monsters from hell look like sissies. They were planning on destroying the world the moment they took all it's energy but right now they were trying to figure out what colour to paint the command room. It was a tough choice between purple and yellow and already the Decepticons were fighting over it. Starscream wanted yellow cause he said it made the room look appealing and bright whilst Megatron believed it should be purple because he thought it looked cool...that and it reminded him of his favourite drink...Energon! Anyway the Decepticons were now divided as they tried to figure out what colour to paint the command room.

Starscream, Skywarp, the Combaticons, Ramjet, Rumble and Reflector belived it should be yellow whilst Megatron, the Constructicons, Thrust and Thundercracker thought it should be purple. Well the argument was mainly going on between Starscream and Megatron...the others took sides for the hell of it...plus they were placing bets on it...so far the odds were in Starscream's favour. The room was filled with arguing Decepticons and a sobbing Frenzy who was sitting in the corner. Poor thing hated violence between friends you see. Megatron was furious as always (when isn't he?) and continued his shouting and cursing at the red seeker.

'I don't want it to be yellow! Yellow sucks!' snarled Megatron.

'You were the one who said it should either be purple or yellow!' screeched Starscream.

'Well I don't want it to be yellow cause you want it!'

'But every room on the ship is purple! Can't we at least have one room that isn't purple!?'

'NO! NONONONONONO!'

'You're a big baby!'

'W-well....you're a...a...a big FAT baby! HAH! Nananana!'

AutobotV: Wow...great comeback you loser

Megatron: Oh shut it!

As the two Decepticons continued to fight over the colour of what the command room should be Ravage suddenly ran into the room. He was whimpering and whining as he tried to gain the attention of the Decepticons who were too busy to notice him...yeah right...trying to pick a colour for a command room is busy? Anyway the poor kitty tried to get his leader's attention by pawing at him and mewing in a really cute way. However Megatron didn't really give a dam about him right now. His main concern was what colour his command room should be.

'I am the Decepticon leader and I think the room should be purple!'

'But I...oh forget it...fine the command room will be painted purple,' sighed Starscream.

'What?'

'I said the command room will be the colour you wanted...purple!'

'W-well...now I want it yellow!'

'WHAT!?'

Believe or not this argument has been going on for about three days straight now. First Megatron wanted it to be purple but when Starscream gave up and agreed Megatron then decided he wanted it yellow. Then when Starscream changed his mind back to yellow Megatron would then decided to have it purple again...how those odds are in Starscreams favour I don't know but hey...Thundercracker did the calculating not me! As the argument continued on Ravage continued to whine and whimper to get Megatron's attention.

AutobotV: Hey Megatron see to Ravage will you!

Megatron: Not now dammit!

Then it was at that moment that Megatron suddenly got an idea.

'Decepticons cease your squabbling! I have an idea on how to slove the soloution. I shall do what I always do in these troubling situations and...get Soundwave to solve it for me!'

At that point all the Decepticon's groaned and started handing money over to Swindle who was the only one who placed a bet that Megatron would get Soundwave to solve the problem. Everyone else either betted on Megatron or Starscream winning. Starscream was just glad that Megatron was gone...he needed to get back to his muffins. As Megatron ran off to Soundwave's room Ravage followed and continued to mew and whimper. Since Megatron is too far up his aft to give a dam about the poor thing I decided to have a chat with him.

AutobotV: OK Ravage what's wrong?

Ravage: Rararararara...

AutobotV: Uh huh

Ravage: Raaarararaaara...

AutobotV: Right...go on...

Ravage: Rararararaaaaaraa!

AutobotV:...........Uh oh....um...Megatron?

Megatron: NO! NO I HAD IT WITH YOU!

AutobotV: Huh?

Megatron: Every time I talk to you I end up getting blown up, sent to the sun and having to kiss Prime's feet for a month! I am never listening to you again!

Megatron continued to run until at last he found himself outside Soundwave's door. As he opened the door without even knocking he heard some muffled sobbing coming from the corner of the room. Curious Megatron walked in...not noticing the room was filled with hundreds of photos of Jazz the Autobot...lot's of photos of Jazz...um...I am getting a little freaked out...heck there was even a few of Jazz's old paint shredding's on a desk. Megatron didn't even seem to care as he walked further in to find Soundwave on his bed crying his little perverted Spark out. He even had a homemade Jazz plushy right there with him. His was surrounded with wet tissues and hundreds of used tissue boxes. It looked like he had been crying for quite some time. Megatron however...didn't care.

'Soundwave I have a probelm! It's really important!'

The poor Decepticon didn't notice him as he continued to cry. Um Megatron if you just listen to me I can tell you...

Megatron: I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALALALA!

AutobotV: Godammit!

Megatron continued to poke and call out to Soundwave who was still crying. It actually looked like he had been crying for a good number of hours and now that I noticed it there was some teary-eye music playing in the back round. He must of been really depressed right about now but Megatron was too concerned about his command room.

'Soundwave this is really important! Should I have the command room painted purple or yellow?'

'WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH!'

'Yellow or purple? Soundwave this is really important!'

Soundwave continued to sob and cry Megatron continued to ask about the colour scheme of his command room. Ravage purred and snuggled up on the floor hoping that Megatron would be able to see the problem soon. I seriously doubt that though Ravage. After much sobbing and crying Soundwave looked up and sniffled.

'I-I think...sniff...purple would be...sniff...fine sir...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!'

'Thanks Soundwave!'

Megatron smiled and left the room heading back to the command room now knowing that all his problems would be solved now that Soundwave had helped him. Upon entering the command room he found his Decepticon's waiting for him drinking hot Energon and eating Starscream's muffins. He could not wait to tell them what Soundwave had told him.

'Good news Decepticons! After speaking with Soundwave who I found crying in his room I have now decided to paint the command room purple! So everyone grab a brush and start painting! Then we can discuss where we're going to put the new couch!'

The Decepticons looked at Megatron in shocked silence.

'W-wait...WHAT!?' shrieked Starscream.

'He was crying?' asked a horrified Thundercracker.

Megatron nodded.

'Yes he was...and he looked like he was crying for a...wait...HE WAS!?'

'You just told us you idiot!' snapped Rumble.

'I-I did?'

AutobotV: I did try and tell you.

Megatron: No you didn't! You didn't tell me anything!

AutobotV: Ravage tried to tell you too!

Megatron: No he didn't! All he did was demand for more milk!

The Decepticon leader suddenly began to worry. Why didn't he notice it before? Soundwave hadn't been himself lately now that he thought about it. Sometimes he would go off crying in the corner or call up a helpline for advice. He rarely ate his Energon...didn't offer any suggestions to take over the world...didn't play any music...didn't take Ravage to the pet palour...hasn't said a word and didn't help Starscream in his cooking. He normally did all that stuff nearly everyday...but he hasn't done it for a whole week...wait...

AutobotV: He's been like this for a whole week and you NEVER noticed it!?

Megatron: We were redecorating!

Knowing that he had to find out what was wrong with Soundwave Megatron ran back to Soundwave's room with Starscream and Hook following. Running back into Soundwave's room they found the poor Decepticon trying to hang himself. Hook wailed and grabbed Soundwave's legs before he kicked the stool away whilst Starscream began to look around the room hoping to find an answer to Soundwave's suicidal behaviour. Megatron just stood there looking confused.

'He looks OK to me.'

'HE WAS TRYING TO HANG HIMSELF!' wailed Hook.

'He can't hang himself you idiot...we don't have lungs and we don't have spines to snap!'

'.....Oh yeah,' replied Hook releasing Soundwave to let him hang there.

Megatron stepped forward as Soundwave continued to sob.

'Soundwave why are you trying to kill yourself? I mean you have every thing you could ever want! You have me, my leadership, my laundry, my orders, my bath times, my cooking and more me to live for!'

AutobotV: Gee now I feel suicidal

Starscream looked round Soundwave's room and was a little freaked out that the Decepticon had an obsession with the Autobot Jazz. He had photos of him sleeping, walking, having an oil change and other private things all over the walls. He had a collection of Jazz's junk, paint sheddings and fluids...ewww. He even had a picture of Jazz who was beating Megatron up framed in gold and surrounded with white, blue and red flowers. It was titiled "My happiest moment ever!" with a few hearts and stars. The red Seeker wondered if this was the cause of Soundwave's sad state. Walking up to the crying Soundwave he spoke in a low and sweet tone hoping he could discover why Soundwave was so upset.

'Soundwave...are you sad because of this Jazz? Are you upset because you are a Decepticon and he is an Autobot and you two would never truly be together because of this war? That all you have of him are these pictures and...things... and that he isn't here? Or are you sad cause you just realized you're working for a complete nut-case?'

Soundwave sobbed and shook his head.

'N..no...it's because...because...SOMEBODY STOLE MY PRIZED JAZZ PIN-UP!'

There was a very long silence in the room.

'....what?'

'Somebody stole my prized Jazz pin up OK! Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to buy that!? Do you have any idea how rare it is to have Jazz posed like that? Kneeling on a big pink bed with his blaster between his slighty spread legs whilst leaning back and giving you a teasing but shy look with pink cheeks and puffing out hot air whilst covered in whipped cream that just trickles down his hot body and licking it off his left hand whilst the right hand is on his thigh that is oh so close and yet so far from his private parts that are hidden from sight because of this small thin and lacy red ribbon with a bow on it with a gift tag saying "for you" on it with his autograph!? That was a freaking rare edition in the Play-Bot magazines and now it's gone!'

As Soundwave continued to cry Megatron was a little lost at what to do. Hell even Starscream and Hook were clueless at what to do. So he decided to reluctantly get help from AutobotV and hoped that she would be able to help get his most loyal Decepticon under control.

AutobotV:....I...I just had a major nosebleed...so...um...crap...THUD

At that point I fainted due to heavy blood lose so Megatron was on his own for this one.

'Dammit it all...we need to find that pin up! Starscream, interrogate the other Decepticons using any means necessary...and get Vortex to help you! Hook, cut him down from there and try to sedate him! I need him back to normal if we're ever going to decide where to put the new couch!'

* * *

Meanwhile at the Autobot base the Autobots were getting ready to start the day anew...after they all went to see Ratchet for some more hangover medicine. The hallways were filled with graffiti and vomit and the Autobots were all moaning and groaning with many of them swearing that they'd never drink again. The rec room was filled with Energon splattered here and there and certain toys that I cannot describe since I rated this fic a T...even though it's all about a pin up from a naughty magazine. Anyway Optimus was now trying to solve a major crisis. Their funds had been cut short and this meant their partying days were going to vanish unless they did something about it. So he called his officers to his command room once they had taken their hangover medicine to come up with a plan.

'Autobots...if we wish to continue our partying we need to find a way to make more money! Last time we tried to sell Bumblebee's aft on the corner of the red light district but that got us squat and it caused Bumblebee to catch a number of std's! However I would like to reward Bumblebee for after catching so many std's went off to sell his aft to the Go Bots and wiped out their entire race with unprotected sex! Well done Bumblebee!'

A loud appluase suddenly went round the room and Bumblebee blushed from where he was standing with his IV drip right next to him. After the clapping died Optimus continued.

'So I have come up with a plan to get us more money! I have recently discovered after having Mirage steal some stuff from the Decepticons that one of us has made a shit load of money and didn't even share it with us or tell us!'

The Autobots looked at each other confused until Optimus held up a magazine.

'This is the play-bot magazine which many of you know has lots of evil pictures of seductress and whores! After I accidentally opened it I discovered that one of our own Autobots has allowed himself to be seen in such a vile and disgusting way. It was even in the centre-fold and it makes me sad that I have to now show it to you!'

Optimus then opened up the magazine to revel the centre-fold and the moment the Autobots saw it everyone gasped in shock. For a while everyone just stared at it until Prowl said,

'Um...Optimus sir...that's you on the centre-fold.'

The Autobot leader suddenly cursed and hid it under his desk and pulled out a new one. However the next centre-fold was a picture of Starscream surrounded with homecooked muffins and cakes. Optimus cursed again and pulled out another one but it had a picture of a Go Bot on it which caused many Autobots to scream and run away from the sight of it. Dam Optimus what were you doing with that!?

Optimus: I didn't open that one yet!

AutobotV:....How many of these mags do you have?

Optimus:..........................about 151....plus Auto-Parts magazines...

AutobotV: Pervert.

After the Autobots were able to calm down Optimus finally found the one he was looking for. He opened it up to revel a very sexy Jazz kneeling on a big pink bed and...I'm sorry but if I describe it again I'm going to die. The Autobots looked at it in horror...yet many suddenly found themselves turned on by the sight of it. Everyone then looked to Jazz who just sat there looking tired and drinking bottles of hangover medicine.

'Jazz why didn't you tell us about this! According to the magazine you made $2 million out this photo alone!'

Jazz just moaned and slumped forward.

'I was drunk OK! I spent all that money on drinks!'

The Autobots weren't sure if they should be impressed or disgusted. Was Optimus going to punish him or something? However Optimus had gotten a crazy idea.

'Since you made so much money out of one centre-fold photo I have decided to have Jazz pose for a calender! A picture for every month! Imagine how much money we'd make!?'

The Autobots looked at each other in shock. Jazz just moaned and slumped forward on his table. Was this such a good idea? Get one of their own Autobots and force him to pose in a naughty calender thus shaming the name of the Autobots forever? Optimus could see their concern and sighed.

'Look he either poses for the calender or we don't party ever again!'

That solved the problem quickly as the Autobots suddenly cried out,

'The Calender!'

Well that was a interesting first chapter! Megatron is trying to redecorate, Soundwave is missing his prized pin up and the Autobots are now going to exploit Jazz to make more money so they could party. What's going to happen next time? Find out soon...now where can I buy that magazine?


	2. Chapter 2

**The Quest for the Missing Pin Up 2**

Right...now where did we leave off? Ah yes, it was a normal day on planet Earth where two fractions of giant alien Robots who could transform into cars, jets and guns were at war with each other fought every day. The Decepticons were redecorating when they discovered that Soundwave was terribly upset after he discovered that someone had stolen his prized pin up of Jazz. Megatron fearing that he would lose his most loyal and hardworking follower ordered everyone to find it whilst he left Vortex to interrigate the usesal suspects. The Autobots were in danger of loseing their partying nights after they discovered they were nearly out of cash. However Optimus Prime discovered (after stealing Soundwave's pin up) that Jazz made millions out of a pin up in a play bot magazine. Now he plans to make a calender with pictures of Jazz to make billions and save their right to party. Yeah...that's a normal day on planet Earth 1984. Let's carry on.

* * *

Megatron grumbled as one by one the Decepticons left Vortex's torture chamber after the professionel torturer managed to get them all to confess to everything they had ever done but none of them had stolen the pin up. he had rooms checked and hiding places uncovered not caring that he found a pile of Starscream's plans to take over the Decepticons. He even called Shockwave just to check that he didn't take even though he had never left Cybertron in the past four million years. Soundwave continued to sob and cry as every second without his prized pin up was just as painful as the last. he even tried to OD himself but forgot that drugs didn't effect him since he wasn't an organic. The Decepticon leader knew that if he didn't get Soundwave back to normal soon they would never be able to finishing redecorating the base. Hours had passed since Vortex had started to torture everyone and soon he emerged from his torture chamber with his results.

'Lord Megatron I got nothing on the pin up but I did discover that Thundercracker was the one who wrote all that stuff on the bathroom wall, Motormasher drank all the Energon in the ration room, Swindle ate all the cookies that Shockwave sent, Hook was the one who ran up the phone bill, Reflector subscribed to Happy housewives Magazine, Rumble secretly works in Wal-Mart and Ravage was the one who peed in the rec room.'

'Dammit Vortex was that all you got!? That's all the easy stiff they'd confess to! Go back in there and do something so evil that it would make Unicron crap his pants! And I want really GOOD results next time!'

Vortex sighed and walked back into his torture chamber. He was going to have to do something really, really sick to get them all to confess their deepest darkest secrets. Something so evil that it would make the Decepticons scream and beg for their mommies. Soundwave just sat there in the corner sobbing and crying whilst Ravage purred and snuggled up against him hoping it would make him happy. However without his presicious pin up life was meaningless. He just wanted to die it was that bad. At that moment Starscream showed up with some interesting information...AKA the plot.

'Megatron I have found out where the pin up is located!'

'WHERE!?' screeched Soundwave who suddenly rushed up.

'Apparently whilst we were all out buying the paint, the new curtains and the new furniture the Autobots somehow got in our base and stole it along with all the cookies and booze! It is now in Optimus Prime's possesion. Plus it does explain why someone wrote "Autobots Rule!" in Megatron's bedroom.'

AutobotV: You saw that on the wall and didn't suspect a thing!?

Megatron: We were redecorating!

At that moment Soundwave suddenly howled with rage and ran off to the command room the intention of firing all their nukes at them. How dare the Autobots sneak into his room and steal his most prized possesion! It was the Decepticon's job to steal stuff not the Autobots! So not only did they just steal a prized pin up but they broke the good-guy bad-guy rule! And that was unforgiveable.

'I'M GONNA KILL THAT SON-OF-A-WHORE!' he howled.

Both Megatron and Starscream struggled to hold the crazed Soundwave back from doing something that even I would expect the evil Decepticons to do. They couldn't kill all the Autobots like that...it would make them look bad to the rest of the world and Megatron couldn't handle being more hated than he already was. Well he had a few fangirls...I even thought he was hot in Megatron's Origin...but don't tell him I said that. So they had to try and convince Soundwave why they couldn't kill their only reason to exsit.

'Soundwave wait! If you kill them all now not only would you forever loose your pin up but you will never have the oppertunity to see Jazz face to face ever again! Plus we need them to have a reason to live!'

Realizing that this was a very good point Soundwave stopped what he was doing and sighed. He couldn't stand the fact that his prized pin up was in the posseion of that partying crazed jerkward's hands. No offense Optimus. He needed to get it back but how? He could transform into his cassette mode and wait for Spike to pick him up again but the Autobots got rid of Spike when he brought Ravage into the base thinking he was a lost kitty and that one time he brought Megatron in thinking he was a toy gun. Was he ever going to see his pin up again? As he thought about it Starscream had some more news to tell them.

'I also discovered that Optimus Prime is planning on making a calender with pictures of Jazz so they could sell them and make tons of money. They're looking for photographers right now and have already posted ads on the internet!'

The moment he uttered those words Soundwave suddenly ran off to the computor to confirm this. Megatron and Starscream followed and right there on the screen it did indeed say that Optimus Prime was looking for a photographer to take pictures of Jazz for a calender and that he would pay them. Plus right there in his hands was the pin up that Soundwave longed for so much. The Decepticons realized that if they wanted that pin up back they were going to have to sneak into the base somehow and steal it back. How were they going to do that though? The Autobot base was heavily guarded and they even put up a sign saying no guns, tape casettes or high pitched talking jets allowed. Megatron pondered about this for a moment until he got an idea.

'I have a plan! We shall apply for this photographer job and hopefully Optimus will hire. Then, whilst wearing nifty disguises, we shall enter the base, take the photos and steal back the pin up! Also we shall steal some plans and maybe a few of their weapons.'

AutobotV: Wow Megatron I'm impressed...but what if Optimus doesn't choose you?

Soundwave: Leave that to me!

Soundwave suddenly checked the computor to find that many (mostly fangirls) have already applied for the job. He downloaded their addresses and suddenly ran off leaving Megatron and Starcream behind. As I began to worry what Soundwave was going to do Megatron began to write his pretty awesome plan to get the pin up back. The red Seeker was also impressed with Megatron's plan. Normally he would leave Soundwave to come up with the plan but for once he came up with an idea that might just work.

'So how are we going to do this?'

'Simple! Me and Soundwave will approach the Autobots as professional photographers whilst wearing nifty disguises. Whilst Soundwave takes the photos I'll be hunting around for that pin up! Plus we make some more money and you'll be able to buy that coffee table!'

That was a good plan. Plus Starscream was looking forward to having that new coffee table that he always wanted. Plus if they made enough money they'll be able to buy a new dining room table. Soon Megatron had told the whole base about his wonderful plan and all the Decepticons had to agree that this was indeed a good plan. It wasn't like that one plan where they team up with a race of under water creatures and take over DC or that one plan where they locked the Autobots in vehicle mode and where going to crush them to death in a ridiculous looking car crushing machine. This was indeed a crafty plan...for once...anyway Megatron began to issue out his orders.

'Alright! Starscream make the costumes, Rumble you write out the application, Swindle you write out our CV with recomidations, Thundercracker you make some calls to make us look good...Reflector-...'

'YES!?' squealed the three Reflector con's.

Ah yes...the three Decepticon's who transformed into a camera and only lasted for like four epsiodes or something. Not many people remember them but they did get a spotlight comic...starring alonside Wheelie...yeah...Wheelie...how fun was that? Was this at last their chance to be used for a great mission? Was this their chance to shine? At long last they were to be used in a Decepticon mission! This was indeed a happy day for the Decepticon camera. They stood to attention in front of Megatron awaiting their orders.

'Reflector...you three go out and buy a camera...and make sure it's a good one! Also get me a soy latte non fat with whipped cream from Starbucks!'

Oh...never mind. As the three Reflector con's sobbed and cried that their chance to shine was gone forever Soundwave returned....covered in blood...lots and lots of blood...there was even a few human limbs hanging off him.

'Soundwave where did you go?' demanded Megatron.

'I got rid of the competition.'

Well that made their job easier. As the Decepticons got to work and Soundwave ran off to clean up Vortex approached Megatron with his new results.

'OK Megatron here we go. Thundercracker slept with your EX, Motormasher dresses like a girl in secret, Swindle has a festish for old ladies underwear, Hook thinks Ratchet is his soul mate, Reflector masterbates to pictures of Optimus Prime, Rumble humped your leg for a dare whilst you were sleeping and Ravage peed in your Energon...twice.'

AutobotV: Dam Vortex what did you do to make them confess to all that!?

Vortex: I made them watch all the episodes of Go Bots...and the movie...

AutobotV: You sicko!

Megatron was a little freaked out but commended Vortex for his good work. As the Decepticons began to work on their jobs for the pretty good plan Soundwave began to day dream about what he was going to have Jazz do whilst posing for the camera. He had so many ideas..ideas that made me realize that I'm not the biggest perv in the world. He couldn't wait to have Jazz right there in front of him whilst doing all sorts of naughty things and to get his prized pin up back...plus he could get a free copy of that calender.

* * *

Back at the Autobot base Optimus Prime placed that pin up of Jazz in his safe. He figured he could sell it on e-bay or something later on. Also he gave him something to do in his private time. At the moment he was a little distracted. All he could think about was how much money they were going to make when they made that calender. They'll be able to party for eons with all that cash! Heck they could even hire a table dancer and get that chugging machine they always wanted. Maybe even get a proper bar and some high quality Energon. Walking back to the control room in high spirits he found Prowl with a long list of results about the people who applied for the job of their photographer.

'So Prowl...got any idea who we could hire?'

'Well sir...many have applied but when I called them up I was told that they all died somehow. Some of them were found with their camera's shoved up their asses, some were found with their insides wrapped up around them, some were found chopped up and burned alive and one was found in their room with "he's mine you whore" written all over the walls. There was also one with "I love Jazz more than you slut" written all over the wall in blood.'

'Sooooo...none of them called back?'

'Well there was this one guy who has a pretty good job history and is available. Apparently he took photo's of all the Playboy girls for the playboy magazine and the playbot magazine. Many models have recommended him and some of them even want to marry him he's that good. He even took pictures for the national geograpfic magazine and photo's of the Earth from space...and he isn't dead like the others.'

'Sweet we'll hire him! Call him at one!'

As Prowl ran off to make the call Jazz showed up looking annoyed. He had just gotten over his hangover and he was now not too keen to pose for a calender.

'Optimus I'm not sure I can do this.'

'Why the frag not!? You posed for play bot and made millions!'

'But I was drunk! I didn't know what I was doing and it still freaks me out that out there somewhere a sick perverted freak is masterbating to it. If I make a calender they'll be doing it all year round!'

'Jazz look...if you don't do this we won't party ever again! We won't be able to take pictures of Gears humping Teletraan-1 and blackmail him later ever again! We won't be able to get Grimlock sooo drunk that he'd eat those annoying humans again! We won't be able to get sooooo wasted that we all have crazy sex with each other whilst recording it and posting it on youtube! Think what we will loose Jazz! All you have to do is pose for a few pictures and those days will be with us forever!'

'I don't care! I can't handle the fact that someone out there will be masterbating to me all year long!'

'OK fine...but if you don't I won't buy you that cocktail mixer with recipies you always wanted!'

Jazz suddenly looked up with a new expression. He had always wanted a cocktail mixer with recipies so he could make wild drinks and such. Maybe taking a few pictures wouldn't hurt.

'Well...OK...but I want some cocktail glasses and my own bar...and a tub of those cherries!'

'Done!'

Pleased that Jazz was going to do this willinly Optimus walked off to find Prowl calling the photographers.

'Hello there...am I speacking to Mister Meagtrony and Mister Soundwavey from the Decepticony Photographer company? We'd like to hire you to take pictures of our friend Jazz for a calender...y'know it's funny...you got the same telephone number as our arch enimies the Decepticons...you even sound like Megatron...you're not Megatron...of course you're not...so around 3:00 this afternoon for the first shot?....great we'll see you then.'

Optimus stepped forward after Prowl finished the call.

'So they agreed to take the photo's?'

'Yeah...they even said they'd fly here as soon as they could...I also heard a high pitched voice in the backround saying that he should be the leader or something. I wonder what they look like.'

'Who knows..now prepare a room to act as a studio!'

'Yes sir!'

AutobotV: Dear god they're all idiots!

* * *

If you're interested someone on DA did draw a picture of Jazz from that pin up ^^ look for Deathcomes4u gallery ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**The Quest for the Missing Pin Up 3**

God that took forever...thought I was never going to make it...sorry folks I was busy working on some other stuff...stuff you might know about and stuff that you will never find out...EVER...it was really cool stuff though...that I shall not revel just in case a certain someone gets pissed off...it is one of the reasons that this chapter is so late. Anyway let's get back to-

Megatron: Hold it right there!

AutobotV: Oh God....WHAT!?

Megatron: Me and Soundwave have been waiting to sneak into the Autobot base for nearly a whole month! What the slag have you been doing?

AutobotV: Oh y'know...stuff...

Megatron: What stuff?

AutobotV: ARGH...OK fine...go over to youtube and look up my account known as AngelicDemon767 and you'll see why!

Megatron: Fine I will!

Phew...That got rid of him. Anyway if you haven't already read the rest of this fic and decided to skip it (like what I did with the last two Harry Potter books), here is what happened. Soundwave discovered that Optimus Prime had his precious pin up of Jazz and was using it as inspiration to create a calender so they could make more money and party forever! Soundwave was about to go and kill him when Megatron came up with a good idea...for once...he and Soundwave would pose as photographers whilst wearing nifty disguises, sneak into the Autobot base and get back the pin up and if possible steal some stuff from them. So after Soundwave killed the competition... literally... they called up the Autobots as Mr Megatrony and Mr Soundwavey from the Decepticoney Photographer company...and the Autobots bought it...I kid you not. Anyway let's begin-

Megatron: HOLD IT!

AutobotV: *sigh* What is it Megatron?

Megatron: I've just been to youtube and I saw your dam show!

AutobotV: Oh really? You like it?

Megatron: NO! I AM NOT A PERVERT!

AutobotV: Well technically that isn't you...it's Megatron from Transformers Animated...and you're G1 Megatron.

Megatron: So...I'm not a pervert?

AutobotV: No...you're a big fat dumb idiot who comes up with stupid plans.

Megatron: HEY!

On with the story!

* * *

Everything had been preapared for the photographers who were coming to take photo's of Jazz for the calender. If they were going to make a lot of money they would have to actually put some effort into this little project...for once. All the Autobots were cleaning up the Ark, getting rid of the smell and dragging out a passed out Ironhide. For once the Ark was looking really clean and tidy. They really wanted to keep partying...life with no party was like...a fate worse than death for them. Optimus ordered Grapple and Hoist to clear out Bumblebee's room so that it could be used as a make-shift studio. All of the little yellow robot's precious belongings were tossed out the window and into a nearby ravine where they were never to be seen again. As Grapple rearranged the berth and Hoist set up some lights Bumblebee walked up to Optimus looking both sad and confused.

'Optimus Prime sir? Why does my room need to be used as the studio?'

'We've been over this Bumblebee! We have no room in the Ark and your room was the perfect choice for the make shift studio.'

'B-but...what about the spare room that nobody ever uses and is big enough to fit both the moons of Cybertron in? Why couldn't we use that?'

Optimus sighed and patted Bumblebee on the helm.

'Well Bumblebee we need that room just in case we ever need to use it for spare stuff and you never know when we need a spare room. Now quit complaining! This is a team effort and so far you're being a wet blanket...or something like that...anyway get back to work!'

As poor little Bumblebee stood there dumbfounded with what Optimus had told him Huffer walked over and laughed.

'Don't worry Bumblebee you can sleep on the rec room floor.'

'Ah that remind's me Huffer...we need your room so that the photographer's have a place to sleep. They will be staying with us and your room seems big enough,' said Optimus.

Huffer looked at his leader in shock. It was now Bumblebee's turn to laugh.

'Guess you and I will both be sleeping on the rec room floor.'

'Er...actually we need the rec room free at all times and we don't want the photographers walking around whilst you two are sleeping on the floor. We don't want to give them the wrong idea if you know what I mean. Plus we don't want to trip over you whilst we go in there for a late night snack and then have to explain to Ratchet why our faces turned inside-out.'

The two minibots looked up at their leader in shock as he continued to check his to-do list. If they couldn't sleep in their rooms...and if they couldn't sleep on the floor in the rec room...then where on the Ark were they going to sleep? They didn't want to share a room with the Dinobots...they were in the heat and last time that happened poor Cliffjumper had to be welded back together after being split in half by Grimlock...I kid you not and no I'm not going into details. Optimus looked down at the two minibots with their confused and horrified expressions and smiled...even though he was wearing a mask.

'You two get to camp out in the big gusty desert filled with monsterous creatures, patrolled by evil Decepticons who would love to kill you in horrific ways and faraway from any help...won't that be fun?'

The poor little Minobots suddenly looked horrified but before they could say anything Optimus walked off to see how everything was going. As he checked over his list Prowl came rushing up to him.

'Optimus Prime! The photographers are here!'

'About fragging time!' snapped Optimus as he followed the SIC to where the photographers were waiting.

Walking to the entarnce of the base where the photographers were waiting Optimus began to wonder what they looked like. Also he had to be careful about what he says to them. If he offends them they might leave and they needed that money to party. So Optimus was going to have to be... nice... for once and treat them as if they were Primus himself. To be honest I'm rather looking forward to this. Arriving at the enterance he was surprised to see that the photographers were... what the... WHAT THE HELL!?

AutobotV: Megatron what the hell?

Megatron: What?

AutobotV: That's your stupid disguise? A purple neck tie and a cheap moustache!?

Megatron: Genius isn't it? Soundwave here is wearing a red necktie with a bowler hat!

AutobotV: The Autobots are going to recognize you!

Optimus stepped forward and held out his hand.

'Pleasure to meet you. I'm Optimus Prime leader of the Autobots. You must be Mr Megatrony? I do hope you enjoy your stay.'

AutobotV: Fucking... idiots... the lot of you!

Megatron, posing as Mr. Megatrony, and Soundwave, posing as Mr. Soundwavey, had arrived at the Autobot base. Their mission was steal back the pin up of Jazz that Soundwave had treasured so much. Also to get a bunch of photos of Jazz doing sexy stuff. Their (lame) disguises seemed to have fooled the (stupid) Autobots. Megatron was wearing nothing but a purple neck tie and a fake moustache whilst Soundwave was wearing a red neck tie and a black bowler hat. Even though it is frigging obvious who they were the Autobots thought they were just professional photographers.

Optimus knew if they were going to get good photos to make a good calender then he would have to treat them like Gods. Meaning that if they asked him to kiss their afts he'd do it. He couldn't imagine life without a party everynight. It was wrong. Too wrong. Like Paris Hilton showing off her womanly parts whilst getting out of a car wrong. Sorry for the reference but seriously...she's worse than Arcee...I mean she's been with Hot Rod, Springer, Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ultra Magnus and Daniel...gross. Anyway Optimus began to lead the two disguised Decepticon's to their room.

'So Mr. Megatrony I heard that you and Mr. Soundwavey here are the best of the best. I can't wait to see what you come up with. Can I get you some juice or whatever it is you organics drink?'

Aw God now he thinks they're humans now...sheesh...anyway Megatron didn't really think about it when he asked what he wanted...then again when does he ever think?

'I'll have a...er...Energon shake please.'

Optimus suddenly gave him a funny look.

'Wait a minute...I thought organics can't drink Energon...Spike, Chip and Carly told me so.'

Megatron winced as he tried to make up an excuse.

'Well...er...that is not entirley tue...we like Energon but...er...people who are blond, stupid and crippled think its yucky...they can drink it but they hate it...cause they're ungreatful slaggers.'

At first Optimus continued to stare at him in a very suspicious way. I for one was just sitting here drinking my Dr Pepper wondering how he will react if some really, really tall organic told him that. For a moment Megatron thought his cover was blown and that he and Soundwave would be chased out the base whilst the Autobots chase after them with acid bombs and blasters. He really wasn't in the mood for a run either. Then at long last Optimus anwered.

'I knew those dam little jerkwards were being rube when I offered all three of them a cup. I was trying to be nice and they blew it in my face! I mean Spike's dad drank some after he was dared to and he said it wasn't bad.'

'R-really? Oh...hahaha...um...whatever happened to him? After drinking it?'

'Well after we picked up what remained of his corpse we discovered that he died of radiation poisening to the stomach. His whole body turned inside out and he turned into some freaky mutant for a moment before exploding right there on the spot. We never did figure how that happened. Must of been some human diesease or something.'

AutobotV: Well why do you think he never showed up in season 3?

Megatron: ...He died of old age?

AutobotV: Shut up.

As Megatron and Soundwave followed Optimus through the Ark a few of the Autobots took a quick peek at their new guests. They all thought they looked a little farmilair but since they were still a little tipsy and just plain stupid they all thought that they were just really tall organics with cute lil neckties. Soundwave started to scan every room the passed hoping that he would detect his beloved pin up of Jazz. However his scans were coming up empty. He did however detect a Go-Bot porn mag in Gear's room...and some kinky sex toys in Ratchet's room...and a room filled with what looked like human corpses...and apparently that room belonged to Wheeljack.

Wheeljack: For science!

The poor Decepticon in disguise began to wonder if he would be able to find his beloved pin up. Then...to his joy...he saw the most beautiful sight in the uinverse...coming towards him...everything looked like it was blurred filtered...and romantic music was playing...as Jazz the Autobot came towards them...dripping wet after taking a shower...a red towel hand from his shoulders...and a very hot looking set of hips that just swayed as he walked. Soundwave thought at long last he died and went to heaven where Jazz was his eternal sex slave. Optimus and Megatron looked around confused.

'Where is that music coming from? And why is everything blurry?' demanded the Autobot leader.

Back to reality. Jazz walked over to them after taking a hot shower and coating himself in a very strong scented wax. Even though he wasn't fully 100% with the idea but he too wanted to party every night...and he wanted that bar. He was surprised to see that the photographers were tall but really liked their neckties...he always thought the one with the bowler hat was kinda cute. Anyway he walked over to meet them hoping that they weren't going to be weirdos.

'Hey Optimus...I had just had a hot shower and covered myself in sex appealing wax. Are these the photographers?'

As Soundwave continued to have perverted thoughts Megatron stepped forward.

'I see that you are the one that we are taking pictures of for your calender. Mr Soundwavey here will be taking your photo's.'

Soundwave was still in dreamland as Jazz tried to speak to him.

'Hey man nice to meet you...y'know for a human you're really tall...and blue...but whatever I think you're kinda cute.'

Soundwave was melting into a pool of white hot liquid as Jazz spoke to him. He felt like he was on cloud 9 with Jazz petting his helm and whispering sweet nothings into his audios. Optimus and Megatron watched, concerned at the fact that Soundwave was literally begining to melt. Optimus later concluded that it was an human thing or something whilst Megatron began to mop up the lovestruck Decepticon off the floor.

* * *

After settling in the Autobot base and getting a quick tour the two Decepticons in disguise were setting up in their makeshift studio whilst Jazz sat down on a chair (in a normal fashion) waiting to be told what to do. Optimus and Prowl waited nearby hoping that they would take some good photos for the calender. As Soundwave set up the camera Megatron came over and began to whisper the plan into Soundwave's audios.

'Okay Soundwave they bought it. Now you start to take pictures of Jazz whilst I'll pretend to go to the toilet and do...whatever those humans do on a toilet but I'll really go and look for the pin up. As soons as I find it we get the frag out of here and claim victory! Mwahahahaha!'

'Um...Megatron...what about stealing secret data from the Autobots whilst we're here?'

'Oh yeah...that too.'

God why do I work with such morons. Anyway as Soundwave prepared to take the photos Megatron walked up to both Optimus and Prowl with one freaky grin.

'Excuse me Optimus Prime but I was wondering if you could show me where the toilet is...I need to...um...wash my hair in it...yeah that it, wash my hair.'

The two Autobots looked at Megatron oddly. They did have a toilet that Wheeljack built for the Spike, Chip and Carely to use since they were always complaining about having not having one. Prowl had always wondered what on Earth they did on a toilet.

'You mean you humans wash your hair in that thing? Carley always told me it was where she went to do her business by dumping her human waste in it.'

Megatron winced.

'Oh...er...no...you see we humans use it to wash our hair but blond people like to play tricks on nice and kind giant robots and empty their human waste into it as a cruel joke.'

Optimus and Prowl both suddenly looked shocked and disgusted by what they just heard.

'You mean after all the trouble we went through to have Wheeljack study, design and build a toilet for them she just dumps her human waste in there as a joke? That does it! When I see her next I'm going to make her wash her hair in there to teach her a lesson...and we'll record it to remind her what the toilet is for...and then we'll post it on youtube or something.'

As Megatron followed Prowl to find the toilet and Optimus ran off to find Carley, Soundwave suddenly found himself alone in a room with the sexiest Autobot in the universe. Primus must be on his side today. Jazz had no idea how to pose for a photo since he was waaaay to drunk to remember how he did it the last time. So he kinda hoped that Mr Soundwavey here would help him. Optimus did say he was the best of the best.

'So...er...you want me to just sit here or something?' he asked.

Soundwave looked up and began to blush.

'Er no...you have to bend over with your aft facing me with one hand on it and the other on the chair with your legs spread apart. Also you have to have to have a cherry between your lips and look at me as if you want me to do you but you're being a tease and telling me with your optics that you want me but you have to earn it kind of way...and I want a some thigh length white tights on your legs...held up by a sexy white garter belt!'

Jazz looked at Soundwave as if he just told him to do something perverted...which he did.

'W-what?'

'PUT THE DAM CHERRY IN YOUR MOUTH AND LOOK AT ME AS IF YOU WANT ME!'

Okay Soundwave wants some alone time with a freaked out Jazz so we're going to end this chapter right here. Don't worry! There will be more sexy pose's of Jazz and Megatron causing havoc in the next one. See ya next time!


End file.
